28There are moments…
There are these moments in my life that I never see coming.
I plan, it’s what I do, and most times I do it without thinking. I just get ahead of myself, jump in with both feet when really I should just be testing the waters or waiting. Waiting is not something I am good at.
I am in one of my favorite cities in the world. & as I look at my Paris for the week, this Eiffel Tower replica, I realize I always seem to be in this city with a broken heart. This time is no different.
My world shifted before I got on a plane from Texas and came to Vegas.
For the first time in a very long time in my life I was sad… my heart was crushed.
I cried… all the time. I cried when I saw a stupid Cher poster because it reminded me of the boy who was no longer a part of my life, when he had played such a huge roll in my life for the past few years as a friend and more recently as much more than just a friend. He was someone I called to kill spiders, and snakes. He was someone I texted in the middle of the night because I couldn’t sleep. he was someone who brought me coffee just because he knows coffee for me is like magic. He was someone who I shared a huge chunk of my life with.
I was packing a bag for Vegas, and somehow my mind wandered to a memory I was quite attached to, from a scent that was on a shirt I was folding, and I ended up bracing myself on my suitcse/bed then I was on the floor of my room crying my eyes out.
(I believe that is where the unfortunate clothing options for this trip came into play. Thank God for shopping outlets H&M and Urban Outfitter’s.)
Nonetheless it is incredible how much pain you can feel and still physically be unharmed & quite shocking how much water can come out of two eyes. I kept thinking, at some point my eyes will dry out. At some point this has to stop and there will be no more. But there was always more.
It is also stunning the impact a person can have on your life and the hole that they can leave. Such a gap between what you have known and what the future feels like with out this person.
I did learn and am learning though.
So amazing the God who heals, and comforts, and teaches me, and reminds me He is deeply in love with me. The God who loves me through my pain until I start feeling like myself again.
It was hard to make myself keep breathing at first. I thought somehow it would be less painful if I held my breath. But you have to breath to keep living. So I would.
So pain has been close to me this past week. I remembered something that Rob Bell said it was in one of his many books. He said two things that are incredibly accurate to my life right now.
When we try to resolve things to quickly, or pretend that everyone is there when they aren’t or offer hollow superficial explanations it’s not honest, it’s not real and it’s not how life is.
&
There is greatness in you, courage, desire, integrity, virtue, love…it’s in there somewhere and sometimes it takes suffering to bring it out.
I would say suffering and loss of a person is accurate to my life right now.
But it would not be fair of me not to look at the other side. The side that showed me:
I have amazing people in my life. I have friends and family who absolutely love me and come to my rescue. I have friends who promise me before they call me that they will indeed make me laugh. They remind me that my life will be happy again. & so when they say something really funny I see the slight light of my future happiness, because they are right, I will be happy again.
I was reminded how comforting it is to hold on to God with every ounce of strength you have in your being because you know that if you cannot hold on to this sweet God, this loving God, this God who is your tape and glue right now, that you will not make it through this present pain.
I don’t think I am all the way through the pain, a person who I loved dearly will be missing from my life when I get back to Lubbock, and he will be missing for a long time, if not for the rest of my life.
But I do think I have finally have come up for air.
